Desperation

franz
Fellow Traveler

Location: Philiphines

It was 3 a.m. in a winter morning. I felt the cold numb tingles on my feet. I was listening to "Queen" to stay awake. I was in my room- studying. Yes, that's right studying! You might think that I was pulling the one night stand on my exam. Well, it's more of a 16-nights-stand. Of course I slept too - 2 hours per night and an hour of power nap during the day.

Welcome to med-student living nightmare!

I'm Pierre and I got in to medicine. You see, I have never been quite that desparate ever before. But I was.

I was half-way around the world (Indonesian studing in New Zealand). My half-hearted dream was to be a psychiatrist. I went through terrible childhood experiences( e.g.my mum walked out off the family without a reason).
My other dreams were to be a world famous Jazz singer-like Sinatra- or open a three stars Michellin Restaurant-like Gordon Ramsay. But my lesson here was, " Life is about choices". I was brilliant in all those skills but I had also learn to realize that human is a slave of time so I decide, " Psychiatry! Chef n Jazz are for next time, next life or maybe heaven".

Anyway, back to how I got in to Med. Well, it took one year and my competition was 1500 med-student wannabe; there was 150 places. These students were born with books in their hands. They wanted it bad too. The course disqualifies you if you get a B- or below in any of your subjects. It was nuts! To see if you want to do it too, visit www.otago.ac.nz

You see, I had never studied! Ever! I was happy with getting E average in 1st grade or A+ in 10th grade but I had never ever studied at home. I pratically memorized and did my homeworks in classroom. One thing for certain, my results were not stable.

Until.... University!
I wanted to... one day... to be someone! Someone that contributed to human race in a good way. So I closed my eyes and slowly, I pictured myself the ME in future. Who was I?Who would I be with? Do I drive to work? Do I live in an apartment or the suburban?
I yelled," Yes! That's me!"
I wanted my dream badly, I wanted it so bad, it was what I dream about when I dreamt at night. I was desparate.
I gave away my TV to charity, I needed more time. I was chewing books everyday. I was a freak-geek but to me it was persistence. I had to stop chasing girls too!
Still, my hardwork only gave me B's(a very close call) eventhough I had been extremely certain to get A+ during the tests.

10 Months went by, there were good times and were bad times. At least, I was still qualified to get in. But 800 others were also qualified. I prayed so hard, I went crazy.
I wrote a passage in my mirror," My name is Pierre and I am going to be a Psychiatrist!" That words kept me awake when I took my 2 minute breaks between my 16-nights-stand.
I also noticed, my eyes were full of bloodshots with dark rings surrounds it. My lips were dry. I lost many hairs. I lost 8lbs of weight. Beforehand, I was very fit and healthy with a belly waiting to have a sixpack

Day 12, I woke up. Big thumping headache! I walked into the bathroom. Then, all went black- I fainted. It was dead-black, but I saw a being. It was my face, it was me in future. I heard a voice," gggegegge....gegeggeg...Get UP! Come On 4 more days! It's Nothing!" The voice repeated three times before I had the power to pull my eyelids apart. I was OK. I was lying on the floor but I was fine. I giggled and I laughed! I was too happy. I felt stupid but I was amazed. I felt if I had died trying, what a man I was! But I had more study to do.

When Exams were over, I came back to my room. I wiped out my mirror writings. Then, my body was as light as the air when I approached my wonderful bed. It was the best sleep I ever had.

But then, I had to wait and wait and wait for a long time of two months to see if I made it. If my craze was worth it. If Mother Mary had blessed me.

That morning, I heard a noise in the front door. I ran out. It was the pretty postgirl who brought me the letter of my life. I tore it quickly but carefully...
" Dear Pierre , bla bla.... here are the places that you're accepted in...1. Bachelor of Medicine/Surgery... 2....Dentistry... bla bla bla...."
....
...
..
...
I ran to the postgal and kissed her in the cheek and I said," Thank You! You are an Angel"

I'm in!

It's not that I am a psychiatrist now, but it's an easier life now. A more sane one I guess. It's still another 12 years of study but I had passed the highest hill.

My friends, I am not suggesting you to be crazy. My lesson here is that desparation can be enjoyable in a kind of quirky way. Desparation, by "doing IT"(action), is what we need to have that-full-life. When you gave it all and you succeed, it's a blissful experience (I was smilling 24/7 for a week after I had that letter). But if you failed, you can always turn back to fate- knowing that you gave it all and you lived a full life.

Notice, I wasn't a saint to be martyred but hey! I had spent my time wisely here. I used it to feel those strong feelings that I can't explain.

Go Crazy!
Life's unique- can you enjoy it fully?


Maithri
Good Friend

Location: Australia
Now Reading: Take the step, the bridge will be there - Grace Cirocco


My Congratulations to you Pierre,

May you be the willing and loving servant of all those who entrust their precious lives into your care.

Real Medicine is not about titles or degrees, nor is it about stethescopes and ward rounds and an endless pharmacy of pills...

The art of medicine is about learning to embody the spirit of servanthood - the spirit of kindness.

It is about consecrating our lives to the service of humanity.

In truth we are all healers. So the job of the doctor is simply to cultivate the conditions for health - and watch in humility as the ones we serve show us how miraculous this thing called life really is.

Stay passionate.

Be kind. Be tolerant and global in your thinking.

And have a wonderful career,

Maithri.