Death Cultivates Life

Pollie
Fellow Traveler

Ohio Transplant :


From ages 11 to 23, I was most likely the ugliest person a human could encounter. My childhood was a book you would never want to read. My heart was made of stone, I was selfish and greedy. I hated the world and the people in it especially when it came to those who were socially middle to high classed, I loathed my own being. This is what was on the outside. Inside I was frail, afraid, tired.

Finally, I was too tired to fight, 23 I gave in to the devils calling. I took a bottle of pills and was relieved. My grandmother, whom I had stood up on a lunch date, came calling for me. She took me home and nursed me back to health. Jesus came to me that week and I turned my life over to him, that was the first step to recovery, he tought me I was worthy of love. He promised that things would get better, but we both knew it was not going to be easy. I had other lessons to learn.

2 years later I found myself married and a child on the way. She was the second step. Although I was married, I can honestly say that not alot of things had changed about who I was. Jesus was working in me but I was stubborn. My daughter showed me a love that I never knew was possible, and brought out in me a love I never knew I had. But that love never went beyond them. After that I had 2 more children who continued to fill me with love. But 2 months before my son was born my husband left me. Today I know that I was mostly to blame for this. Because I did not love him then. I only loved those three little babes I had. He was merely a means to an end. We co-existed, worked different shifts, lived different lives. I liked it that way. I was still in total controll.

1 year later I met a young man. He was kind and innocent. Never really had a relationship before and still lived at home. He was a free spirit. Fly by the seat of his pants kind of guy. His name was Pat. We dated and lived together for nearly 4 years. I was not as cruel to him as I was my first husband. He had put me on this pedastool, I did no wrong in his eyes. Finally I agreed to marry him, for I loved him far more than I ever loved my 1st husband, he he loved me more as well.

1 week before we were to be wed, God took him from me. WOW, I was devistated, for weeks I was disfunctional, perhaps months. And this was the final lesson, this is what completed the transformation. I realized, that I had loved this man with every once of my heart, and that he was perfect and that I had cheated him out of true love. Pat had died, never knowing how much he was really loved. Because I was afraid to love and be loved. I was protecting myself. At this point I realized that I could never keep that wonderful feeling hidden away.

It has been nearly 10 years, I and still I think of him, and the song by Tony Rich "Nobody Knows it but me". I am married now, I believe that I have the perfect relationship. In seven years, we have never fought, always laugh, always dance, always love, always talk. He has never once doubted how much I love him. And he knows how Pat had been that final step the most dramatic step, and that I will always love him. We only talk about him on the anniversary of his death, but his picture still sits on my dresser. I don't know that I would have ever completely changed if it were not for the guilt I felt, and the realization of love. And now instead of working in me, Jesus works through me.

So I say to Pat, I love you.....thank you........and mostly I am sorry.... you are my hero, my inspiration.

And I say to all of you. There is nothing in life worth holding you back. Beyond any darkness you may encounter you will see that life is great. Do not take lightly or for granted the things that surround you today, they may very well be gone tomorrow. Love with all your heart, laugh with all your sould, dance and sing and live every day with out regret, never have to say your sorry, believe in God, and always smile.

Love
Pollie